Why is it so hard to change my behavior, reactions & thoughts?

You plan ahead, you try your best but you lose your patience, and yell…

thebranchabovesystemofchange.jpg

You feel your blood pressure start to rise and you can’t stop yourself from saying hurtful words..

You try to be patient but you always seem to lose control.. but you really want to change.

You are tired of your strained relationship between you and your kids, your spouse, the ones that mean the most to you.

It’s not easy, but change is possible.

Before you can really dive in you need to ask yourself these questions..

“How motivated am I to change or fix the problem?” “Why?”

“What is my temperament? My child’s/spouse’s temperament?” “Why does that matter?”

“What are my values and beliefs?”

“What are my strengths? And how can I use them to solve the presenting problem(s)?”

In coaching we really dive in deep and dissect all of these for everyone in the family to get to the root of the issue(s) and it’s one of my favorite things to do!

Have a lot of thoughts swirling around? Write them down!

Write everything down, also known as a “brain dump,” then it’s time to get specific!

What are your underlying fears and thoughts that you have that are holding you back? Do you know if you have any?

Are you basing your decisions on what you don’t want to be?

Are you imposing your thoughts and beliefs on others and disappointed when they act differently than you expect?

What beliefs about yourself or others do you have that may be limiting your behavior?

What beliefs do your spouse/partner/child have that may be limiting your/their behavior and ability to change?

What specifically upsets you about your behavior, your child’s, spouse’s etc.?

Why is it affecting you so much?

How is it affecting you and those around you?

You need to get crystal clear on what’s really going on and your “why” to find the deep meaning behind the behavior.

Then you can move forward.

kyle-broad-29486-unsplash.jpg

The “why” is very important, it will be your motivation.

Then you can move into your System Of Change Analysis

(Ask yourself these 4 questions to gain a better understanding of how to change your behavior)

  1. What is the behavior I want?

  2. What is the behavior I am doing now?

  3. What is the reason I do behavior #2?

  4. What is my assumption/what am I afraid of underneath it all?

What is holding you back from being successful at changing your behaviors?

What is getting in the way of truly making a change?

Here are some things I will leave you with to analyze as you go through your own System of Change Analysis..

*As the Parent, you have the power to create the relationship and structure of how you and your child, spouse, partner, family member, etc interact.

*As the Parent, are you willing to change your attitude, perspective, methods, discipline techniques to see the change you want? How about your Partner?

If you find yourself really wanting to dig in further and implement strategies I would be more than happy to help guide you through this! Parent Coaching is customize-able and the farthest from “one size fits all”

You Are Just Like Your Father!

Have you ever found yourself the recipient of your spouse saying...

"You are just like your Father, you get so angry so quickly!"... or

"You are just like your Mom, you baby her too much..." Yikes..

Something to keep in mind before you say things like the above is, was the way I was parented the best way?  Do I have different expectations than my spouse?  Why are we always on different pages!?  

This is a very common scenario in your typical household, but why?  Because our parents all raised us differently.  Chances are, if you are a Male you were taught to be tough, not to be coddled or doted on too much and to not cry too much for fear of your weakness.  If you are a Female, chances are you were given more patience and understanding or attention when sad.

When you are facing differences in Parent Styles it can create quite a barrier between you and your partner.  The first thing you need to do is DISCUSS IT!

And when I say "discuss it" I don't mean have a conversation about why your parenting style is better because of...

I mean, actually discuss it, talk about your differences.  Express why you feel the way you do about how you parent and think about how it affects your children.  Having an open dialogue is important to feel like you are being heard and understood as well as let your guard down and really listen to what your partner is telling you to better understand them!  Give them your full attention with no distractions as much as possible.

After you discuss, come up with an action plan.  Talk together about how you can blend your parenting styles to create harmony.  Also, talk about how you will hold each other accountable for change or improvement in the most productive and positive way.  If your partner is coming across as too demanding or harsh when talking with your children you don't want to blurt out, "Hey!  Remember what we talked about!" (cue condescending voice...) You want to talk about how you personally want to be given a cue or reminder when in the moment to bring you back to your conversation of change.  

I learned this the hard way after having a conversation, feeling like real progress was made with my Husband and then my moment of truth came.  In the heat of the moment with my Husband and child I found him resorting to his routine of getting a bit too loud and not having quite enough patience and I responded in a way that he felt was threatening and undermining.  Keep practicing, apologize to one another and try again.  It is so important for your children to see this as well.  Our kiddos need to know that in life there are differences and compromises, and most importantly, no one is too big to say, "I messed up."

Clear some space in your calendar this week or weekend to really work on this together, you will be amazed at what a difference it makes!

I have put together a PDF for you and your partner to work on to see if you can work together to create harmony and understanding.  I suggest printing a copy for each person, fill it out individually and then discuss it with each other.  The important thing to keep in mind is this is a discussion, not an attack on each other regarding what you are doing wrong or why you are not a good parent.  Keep it positive, take breaks if you need but keep the conversation going.  Be honest and you will see what a difference in your life this will make! 

The Special Needs in your relationship no one likes to talk about

When we focus so much of our time and energy on our "Extra" children what's left for us?  Our relationships?

Special Needs children are complex, wonderful, frustrating, overwhelming, funny and challenging.  I often found myself so exhausted at the end of the day that I didn't have much to pour into my relationship with my husband.

Is it fair?  Nope.  Is it a real struggle?  Yep.

In my personal experience the professional field wants to know,

"How is your child doing in school?"

"How is therapy going?" 

"What are the most recent challenges"

And that is great and all, but couldn't help but to think, "Wait!  What about what is happening to my relationship!?"

"What about our struggles to understand each other, that we are always in conflict about discipline and how to even do that with an "extra" child.."

It made me feel selfish, like I wasn't concentrating on who was really important, my child..

But who takes care of my child?  We do.

Who has to work hard to pay for all of the medical needs, appointments and expenses?  We do.

So isn't in the best interest of everyone to build a strong foundation in our relationship to get through the immense struggles, the stress of parenting an extra challenging child and the draining tantrums?  You bet it is!

If I was to give advice to you today it would be this...

Don't forget about yourselves, if you are a single parent, it's especially important to take time for yourself!  I know we hear it all of the time, but there is a reason for it!

Ever since I truly started taking the time to be intentional with my husband I have noticed a major shift in our relationship.

Ask your family for a couple of hours alone with your spouse.

Don't have family close?  Hire a sitter for a couple of hours.

Don't have the funds to hire a sitter?  Reach out to your community of other fellow parents with Special Needs children to swap nights...more on this to come later!

Even if you have to put the kid(s) to bed early and put it in your calendar, do it.  And do it regularly.  Put it in your calendar like an appointment that is to be taken as such, no cancelling!

You're worth it!  Let me repeat, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Take care of yourself, your child(ren) will thank you for it! 

 

This is worth fighting for!

This is worth fighting for!

When it's time to give up..

After the 4th thing is broken for the day....

After the last tantrum, over.....well, you don't remember what exactly...

After yelling at your child yet again and regretting it...

When exactly is it the time to give up?  Never..

Before you roll your eyes at me and click away, listen, you are the one!  The only one who knows your child the best, that your child counts on to stay strong in the wake of another epic meltdown..you are the one that they love more than anything in their world..and you are going to mess it up!

You mess it up all of the time,  you don't handle something like you wanted to, you yell when you didn't mean to and regret it afterwards..That's the way it goes when you have a child with extra struggles & challenges and guess what?  It's okay.  Whether someone said those words to you and you didn't believe them or your spouse tells you and you brush it off, let me tell it to you.  It's.Okay!  

Hold your head up high and know you gave it your all and that is the best you can do.  People told me that and I thought to myself, "but I can do better," "I shouldn't have yelled over something so stupid, but it was my last nerve I had left." But you know what, you did the best you could at the time with what you had left to give.

Parenting children with extra energy, resilience, stamina and tantrums is extremely exhausting, mentally draining and can have you find yourself feeling quite resentful and angry.  Don't let your struggles with managing an "extra" child make you feel like you are failing, you are doing your best with the situation at hand with the skills you have. 

I am so proud of you and your journey that has led you here!

If you find yourself looking for more, needing more help or looking for something that is missing, I am here for you and that's what I do best!  

Whatever your needs, wherever you are in life, I am here to support you and your family to bring the happiness back into your family, environment & home.  Contact me today to let me know how I can help you and let's get started!  I can't wait to help get you back on your path to finding yourself, your family connection and smiling more than you have in a long time!

 

Let's do this together!

Let's do this together!